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Sunday, December 13, 2020

The Carl Talks (Remote) Winterfest Weekend Recap (2020)

As the latest very unnatural term comes to its predetermined end, we here at Backspin Academy grant the release of our students, benefactors and emotional supporters from their umbilical attachment to our suddenly-virtual campus as 2020 comes to it's can't-get-here-fast-enough conclusion.

But we do not do so without leaving them with a final wink to savor, and tide them over until their eventual (fingers crossed) return to campus life next year.

Thus it was with that in mind that BSA's annual "Winterfest" on our perpetually-green grounds (it's part of the deal we made with the environment department of the Tennis Gods' operation) recently took place.... remotely, of course

Our Beloved Backspin Academy






Traditionally, on one long weekend each December, the past, present and future of BSA -- along with some special invited guests and anyone who wishes to join us -- congregate across the campus grounds for a well-earned respite and time to pause, reflect and recuperate from all the work undertaken over the course of the prior eleven months.

But, as has been the case with just about everything -- everywhere -- our 2020 celebration was quite different.

Henin Hall


Naturally, the decision was made in the fall that Winterfest -- in its usual form -- could not be safely held on the BSA campus. The announcement that the normal three-day weekend celebration was being cut to two was accompanied by the promise that plans were already well underway to shift many of our yearly rituals and perks to online venues, including the always well-received series of Carl Talks speeches and presentations.

Of course, *some* of our on-campus standards remained, with COVID-19 social distancing protocols allowing a small group of dedicated alumni and supporters to get the "on-site experience" when our sacred "Church of Simona" banners were removed from their climate-controlled storage vault and hoisted above the western campus' Henin Hall and the east campus entrance at precisely 7 a.m. on Saturday (delayed from the usual noon-on-Friday ceremony from past years).

Church of Simona crest flag, flying high above campus


At that point, our celebration was officially "underway," with multiple small groups being ushered through the gates in order to see (and take those all-important selfies with) the annual Cover Wall art installation highlighting the representations of past and present students and faculty members.

Navratilova Hall of Records (w/ Cover Wall)


This year's work of art was moved to the (newly-painted) wall outside the centrally-located Navratilova Hall of Records, a quite suitable site that many believe should be the home of all future Winterfest Weekend installments.



While the Carl Talks series dominated the weekend, BSA used the remote setting to promote all the work our busy bees did over the long shutdown period earlier this year, during which every Winterfest Cover Wall installation (from the past, along with this year's version) was fully digitized and is now included in our media library of offerings for all to view and re-live online. The same cataloging process was undertaken to preserve each and every previous BSA film school offering and guest Carl Talk, bringing them within easy access to a curious set of active ears, as well as those in future generations.

All -- including all the yearly holiday re-tellings of our favorite fable, "The Search for Caro's Roo" (some site visitors were stunned to find an entirely new audio version featuring both the voice of the Original Dane combined with that of the New Dane nestled amongst the selections!) -- are available on the official BSA website, as well as upon in-person visits (when they are deemed possible again) to the media center at the now one-year-old Serena Place addition to Navratilova Hall.

Serena Place


Naturally, there were loads of *other* sanctioned pre-Weekend online events, too.

In the week preceding the Winterfest, the much beloved Petko hosted a series of virtual Book Chats (first guest: author Alize Cornet!) with upwards of over 200 lovers of the sorts of tales that routinely come from the lips and fingertips of BSA students and alumni. Meanwhile, the energetic Alexandra Dulgheru headed up a fascinating interactive lecture regarding the artistic process, a truly informative follow-up to the "pandemic art" event she'd undertaken during lockdown.



Various online raffles were held during the week in order to both reward the vociferous support of the BSA sponsors and fans of our numerous idolization-worthy students, as well as shine a spotlight on those students' accomplishments.

Some of the items offered up and awarded to those whose "lucky number" was chosen were the books written by aforementioned campus faves Andrea Petkovic ("Between Glory and Honor") and Alize Cornet ("Without Compromise"), an official (and made-on-campus) BSA mask, the insta-bestseller Johanna Konta Cookbook, signed jars of nutritional Bartymite vitamins, a variety box of every Sugarpova product known to Maria, the latest line of EleVen activewear, as well as the just-off-the-presses 2021 Garbine Muguruza monthly calendar (a photographic masterpiece to Mugu to!) and the ultra-inspirational Victoria Azarenka Vika-Thought-a-Day tear-off pad for the coming year.

The Grand Prize was a true work of art: a framed portrait entitled "Dasha & Tofu" that will surely grow in collector's value as the years go by.



As Saturday night of Winterfest is usually Gift Night, all the winners were announced at precisely 8 p.m. this year via a rollicking online appearance by "Sabalenka Claus," who dropped all sorts of hints about hoping to have "gifted herself" in a grand way by this time *next* year.

Meanwhile, all sorts of BSA Bookstore deals were at the ready for Winterfest Weekend holiday shoppers, including a new line of La Divine products, the hit French boardgame Mlonopoly (where you, too, can "Go Directly to Quarantine," go bankrupt and lose your fortune on gameday, purchase real estate such as Rod Laver Arena or the various edifaces on the plot of land known as Stade Roland Garros, or be sentenced by a Tennis God judge to "A Card Game with Benoit") and the newest collection of holiday songs from our very own Maria S.!

[P.S. - her past musical offerings were even available in a box set dubbed "The Maria Collection," which quickly sold out, but which we promise will be back in stock before the end of the year]



Of course, not *everything* went according to plan.

Example: there was an attempt at an official online BSA Fan Favorite poll meant to justly award the most congenial of our students.

Unfortunately, the person in charge *somehow* left the winner of the "unofficial" on-campus vote the last three years off the nomination list, then created a "pseudo" list in a manner that seemed designed to *ensure* a result that saw their close friend win the "poll" quite easily. While the final result was one that we would have embraced under other circumstances, many raised an eyebrow at the details. While this did not produce anything resembling a "scandal," the BSA Board of Trustees and Truth-in-Information advisory board decided to remove the poll creator from their position and reassign them elsewhere on campus.

On a related note, we expect the BSA cafeteria rest rooms to be *extra* spotless once our students return on a full-time basis.



Of course, as always, the centerpiece of the Winterfest Weekend was the "Carl Talks" lecture series. While the seats at the HANAJANA Center were unfortunately empty this year, the traditional BSA esprit de corps that has existed within those walls in the past remained as the Talks became an all-remote experience.

The HANAJANA Center


Over the last few years, the annual series has played host to a virtual "who's who" of BSA alumni and achievers. This year, the "virtual" part became quite literal, but the lack of a live audience didn't dampen the lively aspect of the Talks. In fact, in numerous ways, it enhanced them as many speakers included a large-scale "performance art" component to their presentations (thanks, Dasha!), as well as providing a sudden moment of awe that occurred when quite a few Talkers were revealed to be speaking live from some of the most beautiful spots around the globe (leave it to Mugu!).

Multiple speakers spoke with large bodies of water providing spectacular background visuals, and at least one speech-by-candlelight was broadcast from a dusty attic in Russia that served as a metaphorical device in a riff about "emerging from the darkness into the starlight." Even with a list of scheduled speakers at hand, no one quite knew what to expect as the weekend progressed.

But the *biggest* surprise -- and not just figuratively -- of them all was that this year's "master of ceremony" was THE BIG MAN HIMSELF. Yes, Carl was back!

The cheer was thunderous when Carl suddenly appeared on the BSA webcam feed at the start of the worldwide video conference (we decided that the immediate feedback from a virtual "wall of applause" would at least provide a little of the "old feeling" of past Talks)... and then nearly everyone's jaw proceded to drop over the next fifteen (or twenty, or thirty... we sort of lost track of time) minutes as we were treated to a version of Carl that, quite frankly, we'd never seen before.

After his celebratory "cave dance" from what appeared to be the roof of Henin Hall, Carl reported that the series of legal difficulties that have followed him around the world are now behind him. And he did so while putting together grammatically correct sentences on at least two out of every six sentences out of his mouth! This far-more-erudite Carl is apparently a nice side effect of the lockdown, as when he was confined to the family cave for weeks and months on end he was finally the "captive audience" that wife Carla has been hoping for all these years. After hours of home learning lessons given by Carla, Carl's language abilities have improved dramatically, as have seemingly some of the anger management issues that have been a sore point since, well, the *entire* time that we at the Academy have known him.

Carl told us that his fortunes turned when the World Elking League, of which his son Carlo was the Rookie of the Year and MVP as he led the Saskatoon Berrypickers to the championship last season, was forced to suspend its 2020 season due to the pandemic. Then the league folded altogether. With the WEL's vendetta against him (*his* words... as Carl still has something of persecution complex) a thing of the past, the public calls for his arrest died down. Of course, there were still pending charges against him in various places around the globe, but a secret late-March "all-encompassing" pardon (covering both past and potential future crimes committed) issued by President Trump solved those issues in the U.S. and Carl was allowed to come home without fear of imprisonment (not that any prison could hold him for long, of course).

Carl informed us that Trump had slated him for a spot in the lineup of Celebrity Apprentice season 7 (hence his previously thought-odd hatred of winner Leeza Gibbons) many years ago, but NBC executives got cold feet and denied his inclusion after he'd steadfastly (also, Carl's own word, shockingly) refused to wear pants during filming... and then, umm, personally removed the pants of said executives during an in-person meeting to discuss the issue. Apparently, the move endeared him to Trump, who promised to do him a favor one day. It finally arrived.

Carl said that he considered refusing the pardon due to Carla's opposition to any continued association with Trump, but she ultimately agreed to it since she saw the opportunity to have him all to herself during lockdown and dreamed of what she could accomplish. It was at this point that Carla, as well as the rest of the family, made a quick cameo alongside Carl. Apparently, the *entire* clan spent the lockdown months together, allowing them to reconnect on a deep level.

Carl gave us an update on each family member. Carla is considering offering home educations to some of Carl's *more* wayward family members (yeah, we didn't think that was even possible, either), and dreams of what new career doors that additional success there might open for her in the cave family community. Meanwhile, Carlo is training every day for the rumored *new* North American Elking League; while his sister Carlita has become quite the social media influencer. The young twins have become successful children's clothes models, as well, and there are even some early whispers of a reality show pilot (under the title "Hear Comes Honey Doo-doo") being filmed for TLC.

Carl wrapped up his Talks introduction by noting that, lest anyone think his personal ties to Trump persist, that he *did* vote for the "Comma Lady" (his words) at the direction of Carla, and that he'd never associate with someone who loses *so* much, anyway. He wouldn't want such losing and whining ways to rub off on *him*, of course.

Then things took an odd turn, as Carl noted that the "old" him would simply squish everyone in sight to prove his own winning ways, and started musing about "2024" and how, if he ran for high office, he'd want a Vice President "who could attract flies" because then they'd be "good bait" for an elking run.

Hmmm.

It was then that Carla arrived to lead him away, and the lecture series finally got underway.



As in the past, the festivities were opened with a convocation address delivered by campus poet laureate Diane Dees, in the form of a live reading of the Pushcart Prize nominated poem "The New Physics" from her Origami Poems Project microchap, Pandemic Times, as well as "Unanswered Questions" from her Coronary Truth chapbook.

[Thanks, Diane!]


"The Simo Way: The Art of Bringing it Every Day, and Year, and Decade" - Simona Halep

"Living in a Long Shadow: The First Year (sort of) on Tour for a New Dane in Town" - Clara Tauson

"I Still ♥️ New York, but Now I Have Trigger Issues: A Quarantine Tale Nightmare" - Kristina Mladenovic [NOT from a claustrophobic suite]


TALKS QUOTE: "You can be the most beautiful peach in the world, and somebody will still be allergic to peaches." - Victoria Azarenka


"And Now I'm Back to Let You Know I Can Really Shake 'em Down" - Victoria Azarenka

"The New Theory of Russian (Future) Stargazing" - Kamilla Rakhimova



The morning session concluded with a virtual town hall (leading into the noon break, in order to allow participants to "cool off") headed up by an unknown (i.e. they insisted on hiding their identity) representative of the WTA marketing department, and was entitled, "How to Be Laughably Incompetent When it Comes to Marketing the World's Most Famous Female Athletes While Looking Like You're Not Even Trying, Pt.XII (at least)."

Needless to say, it was a lively debate.


"Don't Mind Me. I Just Occasionally Work Here (but I *kill it* when I do)" - Tsvetana Pironkova



"Respect Me (or my dad will sit down right next to you and refuse to leave)" - Sofia Kenin

"Sometimes You Just Gotta Get Out and Get Some Fresh Air" - Danielle Collins [from somewhere she wasn't supposed to be]

"I Got Next (Year)...at least that's the plan" - Aryna Sabalenka



"Yes We Can!" - Ons Jabeur, Mayar Sherif & Renata Zarazua

"They Thought We Were Crazy. 'Who Gets Pandemic Insurance?,' they said." - a very self-satisfied unnamed (and masked) AELTC representative

"Rock. Paper. Scissors. Comeback?" - Aga Radwanska and Caroline Wozniacki

"Never Give Up" - Martina Trevisan (w/ a brief introduction from Varvara Gracheva)

"Are You There Margaret? It's (Still) Me, Serena." - Serena Williams (w/ a rapidly ticking timeclock appearing in the corner of the screen)


Academy Hall


"2019 was Sh*t, so I Wanted to Love 2020. 2021...you're up" - Dasha Kasatkina

"Oh Me!!" - Nadia Podoroska

"Dealing with New Expectations that Now Scrape the Sky (2021 version)" - Iga Swiatek


TALKS QUOTE: "It's amazing what a proper mindset can do." - Iga Swiatek


"Smile and the World (and Conchita) Smiles with You" - Garbine Muguruza

"Swerving Around Life's Potholes" - Diede de Groot

"See You in Tokyo" - Yui Kamiji

"I STILL Want This So Bad!" - Bianca Andreescu

"The History of Me US" - Naomi Osaka



"The Power of Positive Bun Thinking" - Maria Sakkari

"This Year was Free... everyone pays next time" - Elena Rybakina



The morning session ended with a virtual one-woman dramatic performance from an individual who identified herself only as "Suzanne Lenglen's ghost," who acted out the entire arc of the French great's life and times, often stopping to directly address the camera by noting, quite boastfully, that she was "breaking new ground before the existence of dirt." And, yes, there *were* quite a few moments of melodramatic fainting.


"The Future is Still Now!" - Sloane Stephens [CANCELLED DUE TO SPEAKER'S FREEZING AUDIO/VIDEO]

"The COVID Follies: A First-Person Narrative" - Jelena Jankovic [from Mars?]

"So-Called Sabbaticals for Dummies: A Back-from-Shutdown Primer" - Ash Barty

"I Didn't Leave Wheelchair Tennis, Wheelchair Tennis Left me" - Marjolein Buis



"Paying the Big Bucks for Success (or else)" - Dayana Yastremska Karolina Pliskova

"Hits & Misses: Trying to Go Viral During a Pandemic" - Dasha Gavrilova


Fiona Ferro insisted on the taking on a Day 2 slot in this year's Carl Talks, and she said she wanted to provide a universal take on "Tennis in the Time of Coronavirus." But when it was her turn to speak the only thing that appeared from her feed was a single photo. All attempts to reach her proved fruitless, so everyone now believes she was simply trying to take creative license with the concept and, of course, make a dramatic point.




"Oh, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8...B-R-A-D-Y...B-R-A-D-Y... Fight Fight Fight!" - (Jennifer) "Bruin Brady"

"How to Steal Money the Old Fashioned Way: A Guide to Winning a Bid to 'Create' a 'New' WTA Marketing Campaign" - Rador Australia Design Agency representative [TALK was unfinished, due to incessant and uncontrollable laughter from speaker]

"Do You Recognize Me? Don't Worry, You Will." - Leylah Fernandez

"I'm Here. Let's Go." - Carla Suarez-Navarro



CSN's speech was followed by a long, warm (virtual) standing ovation, followed by everyone simultaneously lighting a candle and shouting "Vamos!"





The weekend concluded with our traditional festive "parade of stars," with the online version consisting of all our top students offering up parting thoughts to their well-wishers and, hopefully, inspiring a few members of future generations to one day step into their shoes.

We'd say our past and present students and faculty do all this "for the game"... but everyone agrees that such a thing is quite obvious, and to highlight such a mundane notion as if it's some sort of momentous revelation would be both unnecessarily redundant and cloying. And, quite honestly, we'd like to think we're better than that.

Oddly, Carl didn't return to bring the Winterfest Weekend to a close (we'll try not to read anything into that), as it was Carla who appeared in his place. She offered up Carl's apologies, as well as a musical selection that she said she feels is somehow a perfect way to put 2020 to bed: one of the great "odd couple" holiday duets ever.



"If Bowie and Bing could find a way to harmonize together, then what excuse do *we* have?," she said.